February 29, 2004
Marriage and Family - Part 5

A Check Up

Introduction
Psalm 26: 2 2 Corinthians 13: 5
We have just completed an overview of marriage. The following questions can serve as a spiritual check up for your marriage and a review of many of the points we covered. Single people can apply these questions to the body by reading between the lines. (If you missed any of the messages, you can hear them on the web page at www.southjordancommunitychurch.com) The purpose of these questions is to help you put the truths we discussed into practice. These questions are designed to be answered individually and then discussed together with your spouse. Covering all of these questions will probably take more than one session. Open each session with prayer and reading 1Corinthians Chapter 13 out loud. Remember, kindness makes everything go better! The following is not necessarily a spill your guts session but should help build a foundation for a relationship that can handle a discussion about anything. If you run into a problem when going through these questions, put it on hold and continue to the rest of the questions and come back to it. If you still cant get through it together satisfactorily, get some help one of the elders/pastors will work through this with you. Please ask if you need some help.
Getting your marriage right is near to the heart of God. He reveals some intimate truths about Himself through marriage and the family, especially about the unity of God. He also teaches us about the relationship of the body and Christ through the relationship of the husband and wife and children [and many other things]. So this study on marriage is not just about having a happy home and a good marriage. We must see marriage in the context of the body and within the whole of Gods purpose. John Piper put it well when he said that marriage is not to be a cul-de-sac of Gods grace and love but a conduit to the body and the world.

The Designer of marriage made marriage in such a way that it does not fulfill its design unless He is the center and the leader. (Although He does delegate some leadership) All of us have experienced the internal struggle to be right with God, do the right thing, have the right attitude etc. Consider, we throw two people with this same struggle together and tell them to live happily ever after. This will not work without Him. God has given each person a responsibility to Him first, and it is to forsake self-dependence and rely completely on Him. This is the first step for marriage to fulfill its Divine design. Please look up two verses that address this personal issue: Luke 9: 23 24 and Galatians 2:20.

This first set of questions briefly addresses this individual side of our topic:

1. What is a Christian?

2. How did you become a Christian?

3. To the extent you hold yourself back from God, you put a barrier between you and your spouse. [And the body] What are you holding back from God? What is He asking you to respond to? Or trust Him in? Or obey?

4. Do you have daily focused time alone with God? In the Word? In prayer?

5. Are you willing to obey quickly, make a plan to follow through and be accountable for what God reveals to you through this tool?

6. Are you willing to obey God and do your part in your marriage and the body even if your spouse is not doing their part? [Even if you are the only one trying in the marriage, keep going the love of Christ revealed in a relationship is a very powerful thing]

A. Foundations A Living Picture
Ephesians 5:22 27 John 17: 21 23, 26 Mathew 28:17 20 1 Corinthians 7: 2 6 Genesis 2:18, 23 - 25

1. Describe the picture marriage is supposed to give the world and the Church;

2. What are some of the purposes of marriage?

3. Will I wholeheartedly accept the role God has given me in marriage?

4. What is that role?

5. How am I fulfilling this role?

6. How am I not fulfilling this role?

7. What is our role in the body?

8. What could be our future role in the body?

9. What could my spouse do in helping me fulfill my role in the family and in the body?

B. Strengthening my spouse to be all that God has called her/him to be (my God given ministry)

1. Generally speaking, what are the five basic needs of my spouse? [According to the 5 needs of a man and the 5 needs of a woman/ Ephesians 5:33/ Part B Introduction message Marriage and the Family 1/4/04)

2. How am I doing in each of these areas?

3. Are there legitimate reasons not to fulfill some of these? [Example: we have agreed to give up security for the sake of serving God]

4. What are the top two love languages of my spouse? [Gifts, touch, time, words, service]

5. Do I get joy in our relationship from communicating love in their language? [Joy from their joy - Ephesians 5:28]

6. How am I doing this? - Be specific

7. Am I looking for joy in marriage by meeting needs or by having my needs met? Ephesians 5: 28

8. Do we have a planned time for connecting and praying together as a couple and a family? (Make a plan)

9. What are some reasons for pursuing love, joy, and unity in marriage?

C. Forgiveness (Baggage)
Forgiving Others Matthew 18: 21 35 John 13: 34 - 35

1. Is there anything I need to forgive my spouse for? (Take it to God now, no matter how small or how large, be specific, and pray out loud)

Unforgiveness is a huge barrier in both daily interaction and the long haul. It must be up to date and we need to learn the way of instant forgiveness. For forgiveness to be real, we need to acknowledge the sin against us and not make excuses for that person (same process for our forgiveness from God). Even accepting that we may suffer consequences for another persons sin against us (look at the consequences Christ suffered for our sin against God)

2. Ask the Holy Spirit to guide you to forgive anyone who may have wronged you be specific. This may include seemingly small things and also some very big things by a spouse, former spouse, parents or other family members, friends or even strangers. Some examples: adultery, sexual or physical abuse, neglect, rage, domination, disrespect, favoritism, abandonment, unkind words or attitude, selfishness, controlling, etc.

Forgiveness is a choice. An act of the will, which we can do because of the new nature we have received. Emotions may take a while to heal after the choice to forgive.

Being Forgiven Isaiah 1: 18 Ephesians 1: 7 Psalm 32: 5

Again, asking or receiving forgiveness immediately from God should become our pattern, as well as a willingness to ask another person for forgiveness (God forgiving you is not dependent on them forgiving you).

1. Ask the Holy Spirit to reveal any sin in which you are not accepting forgiveness. Some things are notorious for becoming barriers between couples, particularly any sexual sin or bitterness.

2. Acknowledge and repent of any sin the Holy Spirit brings to your mind. Acknowledge even if you sinned in marrying the person you are married to [Many remarriages violate Scriptural mandates, but another divorce is of course not the answer repentance and forgiveness is, then God will bless the marriage]

3. Receive forgiveness. Christs death is enough to pay for your sin, you dont have to. As with forgiving others, act on faith, not the response of your emotions. Believe you are forgiven and act on that fact.

4. Also, repent of any unscriptural ties that may override the oneness of marriage former spouse, parents, friends etc.

D. Unity
Burn the Bridge
Mark 10: 6 8 Matt 22: 28 30 Malachi 2:16
1. Am I committed and do I promise to stay in this marriage for life?

Unity is a key to fulfilling Gods purpose in the family and in the church.
John 17: 21 23, 26

2. What am I doing to contribute to unity in the body and family? Am I contributing to disunity in any way?

3. What if I am the only one trying?
1 Peter 3: 1-2
Love is a powerful force. 1 Corinthians 13

4. What is a weakness of mine that is complimented by strength of my spouse?
Weaknesses and strengths together can bring unity to the family and to the body. Be very, very alert to a critical spirit in yourself, you are not without weaknesses. And you need the strength in your spouse and the strength in the body.
E. Conflict

1. How did/do each of my parents handle conflict?

2. Have I learned bad habits from one of them and followed natural patterns?

3. Am I willing to change?

Make sure James 4: 1 7 is not the source of your conflict. All conflict is not bad, it can be used to clarify and bring unity. The purpose is to resolve a difference, not win. Conflict can bring us together into the desires of Christ.

4. Will I agree to these rules of engagement?

1. Hear the other side.

2. Have a cooperative spirit committed to resolution, not winning.

3. Gods way is all-important, not getting my own way.

4. Not being defensive and not using defensive tactics; aggression, pouting, withdrawal,
refusal to talk, blame game, intense anger, false submission

5. Believe hearing both sides is necessary for resolution

6. Confine disagreements to issues rather than personal attacks. [Like you statements]

7. Believe the relationship is more important than the need to be right. This is not sinking to the lowest common denominator, but considering the value and depth of meaning of the marriage relationship above personal ideas and opinions.
Conclusion
Pray together. Write out any plans.